While You Were Away
by EAD13
Summary: It turns out school was only a distraction, and Kuwabara doesn't actually have his life as figured out as he had convinced himself. Maybe a trip to visit Genkai will help him as he considers what to do now that Yusuke and company have left him behind. Then again, maybe that question is too big to be settled in one day.


Shizuru Kuwabara stood outside her brother's room frowning with an ear pressed against the door. He had been in there for hours in an attempt to tackle his homework, and when she finally decided to investigate his progress, she couldn't make out a single sound from within. "He'd better not be asleep, or I'll kick his ass," she muttered under her breath. Then she began rapping on the door. "Kazuma, how's it coming? Are you ready to explain the structure of plant cells yet?"

On the other side of the door, Kazuma Kuwabara was not asleep, though he had flopped his head on the desk in exhaustion. The area was covered with piles of books dealing with everything from geometry to world history, mountains of handwritten notes strewed around in no particular order, pens and pencils, as well as a few crumbs from the meals he was opting to eat there instead of at the dinner table. Other than when he was in school, he had been practically living at this desk for the past month. His examination for senior high placement was in a few weeks, and he had years of learning to make up for in order to do well. He genuinely wanted to do well for the first time in his life.

He heard his sister's threatening voice, but said nothing. His brain was too fried. Somewhere between the algebra and literary terms something had short-circuited…

"Kazuma, I'm coming in there, and you'd better be awake!" She flung open the door without a moment of hesitation. The sight of his glazed-over expression almost made her feel sorry.

"Yeah, yeah, I know Shizuru. Get back to work," he sighed dejectedly without lifting his head.

"How long have you been sitting there like a limp noodle?" she demanded while tapping her foot. Few others would be able to recognize it, but to Kazuma's trained ear, it was possible to tell that there was a hint of concern in her voice.

He gave a weak smile. "Not too long, I promise. I just needed a minute."

"Yeah…" she trailed off. He really was working hard, a fact she'd never let on to him. Still, he was going to kill himself studying at that pace, if not from an exploding brain, from jumping out the window head first. Even that wasn't all. Shizuru had a gift for perception, due in part to the extrasensory abilities that ran in the family, and when she looked at her brother closely, she could see an addict, someone escaping something painful by burying himself in something else. She was pretty certain she knew what the painful something was, but just as certain that she wasn't the one who could help him. Silently she toyed with an idea. It was risky, but it might be what he needed.

"I was thinking bro, maybe you should take a break this weekend. Get out of here for a bit, you know?"

"Really?" he asked incredulously. He still didn't move, but an eyebrow raised in surprise.

"Hmph, it's just that you aren't going to get any good work done in this condition. If I spot you some money for the bus, maybe you could go pay Genkai and Yukina a visit…"

"Yukina?!" he exclaimed, bolting up so fast several papers went flying. Shizuru knew that would be the magic word that reignited his spark; her brother was nothing short of predictable.

"Heh, I thought you'd like that," she rolled her eyes.

Just as quickly as he bounced back, his mood shifted to skepticism. He narrowed his eyes suspiciously. "Wait. Why would you do something nice like that?"

She glared at him. "Like I said, if it gets you to do better…"

"Right."

"And of course, you'll have to finish all the exercises on quadratic equations before I put the money in your hand…"

He scoffed. "Knew it."

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

Two days later, he was on a bus headed for the mountains where Genkai's compound was located. Somehow, he had pushed through and finished the problems assigned to him in addition to his already existing classwork, and as promised, Shizuru had handed over the money. As he sat in the seat and stared out the window at the passing fields and forests, he was finally able to think clearly. Formulas, dates, names and theories that had been clogging his mind for too long began to evaporate. In the gaps, old memories began to filter in. The dam was breaking, and in the course of the lengthy trip, the walls he had been building were collapsing around him. He was flooded with a profound and uncharacteristic melancholy.

"This may be just what I need," he thought to himself, fighting against the pull of the past. "I need to figure this stuff out if I am ever going to do well on the exam. The last things I need are distractions. I wonder if Genkai could help… She at least understands what has been going on. And Yukina…" He winced. He recalled the last time he had seen her, the night when everything happened all at once and out of the blue, and how he had so stupidly injured her feelings as he lashed out against it all. She was the last person on earth he wanted to hurt, and thinking about it made him want to go crawl in a hole. If nothing else came from this trip, a good apology at least. It would be a big weight off.

The bus put on the brakes with a screech, jolting him from his thoughts as he fell forward from the momentum. Looking out the opposite side, he could see it was his stop, marked only with a small canopy, a bench, and a bus schedule. He stood up and slung his bag over his shoulder. No one else made a move to get up, so he began to walk down the empty aisle. He could feel the other passengers' eyes burning a hole into his back. They probably didn't see many tall, muscle-bound red-heads around this area. It was nothing new. He ignored it as he always did, and with a courteous nod to the driver he hopped off. The bus driver wasted no time in hitting the gas, leaving him alone with nature. A huge sigh escaped him as he turned his gaze up towards the mountain. It was time for the long trek.

One foot in front of the other, he began his ascent. The air was thick with the scent of pine, and the sun barely penetrated the canopy of trees. The only sound was that of the birds who occasionally fluttered from branch to branch above him. Walking through that forest, he couldn't help but remember the first time he had made this journey, two years ago. Back then, he had been seeking the help of Genkai, a master psychic, to reduce the inherited spirit awareness that was driving him crazy. Instead, he ended up in the thick of a Spirit World undercover mission, embracing his powers to form his spirit sword, and almost being crushed to death by an evil demon. "And that was the day I really got thrown in with Urameshi," he mumbled to himself. "Now look where I am!"

He stopped. That wasn't right. With a frown, he shrugged off his bag and pulled out his water bottle, taking a long swig. If he hadn't come that particular day, there would be a lot of pain he wouldn't have felt, physical and otherwise. He wouldn't have been thrown into countless life-or-death struggles. He also would probably still be the juvenile delinquent he was then, fighting in the streets instead of applying himself in school, caring much more about his turf than his dismal grades. It wouldn't have been much of a life, he could see that now. And he wouldn't have made all the friends he had. And he wouldn't have met Yukina…

To think of her, he threw the bottle back in the bag and continued on, revitalized. To think he had only met her by some freakish chance! The love of his life! A lot of people could think the same, but his case was even rarer; she was a demon, an ice apparition. How many humans even knew they existed, much less befriended them? He was one in a million, if not more, all thanks to that fateful visit. He shook his head. Whether it was good luck or bad to have been there when he was, it certainly seemed like the weird things always happened to him.

Within the hour, he reached the never ending steps that marked the beginning of Genkai's complex. The recluse no doubt found it amusing to put her potential visitors through the gauntlet before granting them an audience… Hell, this probably discouraged its fair share. He just gritted his teeth and began climbing. He was a warrior, not a wimpy salesman!

It took longer than he would have liked (a few weeks off after the last adventure and he was going soft?), but he ultimately made it, albeit panting heavily. He looked around as he attempted to catch his breath. Everything was quiet. It was hard to imagine that two weeks ago the place had been filled with all the people he cared about most, ringing with outraged arguments, mostly from himself. The silence was unsettling. "She really needs to get a doorbell or something," he grumbled to himself. Then, he cleared his throat. "Hey, Genkai?"

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

Genkai was deep into a video game when she heard the call from out in the courtyard. The gravelly voice was unmistakable. She smirked and paused the game. "I honestly thought he'd be here sooner, but then again his sister probably kept him up to his neck in homework. Yukina?" She beckoned to the dainty kimono-clad girl who had been reading across the room. "Why don't you go meet him at the gate? And send him to the temple, if you please."

She rose, closing the book. "Of course, Master Genkai."

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

Kuwabara was getting anxious. There was no sign of movement anywhere in the complex. Had they not heard? "Helloooooo. Is anyone here?" Still no reply. He started to wonder if maybe they had gone too and there really was no one left. The thought put his stomach in knots. He was about to tear apart the entire compound when a screen door slid open across the courtyard and revealed a petite girl with sea-foam hair and ruby eyes.

"Kazuma?" She quickly descended the stairs and glided to him. He froze as if she had turned him to ice, something she could literally achieve if she wanted to. In that moment, he wished he could be fighting a monster instead. Gulping, he clenched his fists. "A real man apologizes when he hurts a girl's feelings," he thought. He took a deep breath.

"Yukina, I'm so glad to see you. There is something I need to say to you."

She stopped in front of him, confused. "You do?"

He lowered his eyes. "I acted horribly the last time we saw each other, and I have been feeling so awful about the things I said that night. I was upset and not thinking, but that is no excuse for being insensitive. Yukina, can you ever forgive me for…calling your kind evil?" He dropped to his knees and prostrated himself at her feet.

"Kazuma…" she started, tilting her head.

"I completely understand if you couldn't. I mean, you were held prisoner and tortured by humans and didn't bear a grudge against our kind, and here I went and condemned all demons for no good reason. I'm ashamed of myself." He squeezed his eyes shut, as if bracing himself for her rebuke.

Instead, she kneeled down to his level and looked into his pained face. Suddenly, he felt a gentle touch and the subtle chill of her hand on his cheek. "Kazuma, I understand. A lot was happening to you that you never saw coming. You were upset, trying to make some sense of it. You said things you didn't really mean because you were hurting."

"Really?" he wondered in disbelief. "You mean…you aren't still angry at me?"

She smiled, and the icy fear that had gripped him melted away. "Well, I am glad that you came and said those things. It makes me feel much better."

"Gee, it's only what you deserve." He scrambled back to his feet, then offered his hand to help her back up. "I had to come and tell you; I couldn't live with myself."

"That's why you came?" She seemed a bit surprised.

"Well most of it, anyhow," he said, scratching his head. "It is really nice to get out of the house and forget about studying for a while. It felt like my brain was melting." He paused, instinctively waiting for some snide comment about him not having a brain. It never came, and somehow, that was even worse.

"Oh…" Not one mention of needing to see Genkai.

He breathed deeply. "I needed to clear my head. When I'm here, I feel like I can…I don't know." He kicked the ground. "Maybe it is because when I'm here, I don't have to hide anything from anybody." He looked a bit sullen. "There is so much I can't tell my best friends at school, or even my sister, and now I can't tell Urameshi about it. But I really want to tell someone. I wouldn't even care if they didn't say anything back. I just want someone to listen. You and Genkai are the only two people I think I have left that can do that for me."

Yukina took his hand reassuringly. "Don't worry Kazuma, Genkai is actually waiting for you in the temple. I think she expected you to come and talk."

"Well, she is a psychic," he joked. "Let's go. I'd like that a lot."

They walked together to a building set apart from the others. This one had heavy doors that creaked open, allowing daylight to flood the otherwise dark interior. Genkai had already arrived and taken a seat on a cushion. Kuwabara bowed respectfully to see her. "Master Genkai."

"Hello Kuwabara, I thought you might come. Did Shizuru give you the weekend off?"

"Yeah. I think she thought I was going to crack or something. Even paid for the bus fare."

"I see." So, her hunch was right. She turned to Yukina. "Yukina, would you mind making some tea for us?" She nodded, and left Kuwabara and Genkai alone.

He watched her go. "How long is she staying here?"

"Indefinitely. After everything, there isn't much of a way for her to return to her people. Really, I don't think she would want to anyhow. She is not like other ice apparitions; she cares for others too much." Genkai gave a rare smile.

"All ice apparitions aren't like that?"

"No. From what I understand they live in their own world, suspended above demon world, and do not allow outsiders to enter. Some say that despite their beauty, their hearts are frigid as the icy world they live in. Clearly, this is not Yukina at all."

"Nuh-uh. It is hard to believe she could come from a place like that." He frowned at this new information. Despite her icy powers, Yukina was hands down the warmest person he had ever known.

"Indeed." There was a pause. "And how have you been, Kuwabara?"

He shrugged. "I don't know. I've been so busy with my studies that I haven't had much time to think. But then again, I'm starting to think I want it that way, because I don't want to think."

"These last two weeks haven't been easy, have they?"

"It's hard to explain. It's like having all sorts of feelings fighting against each other and tearing you up from the inside, but you have to pretend like you don't feel any of it."

"I'm no shrink, sorry," Genkai declared flatly.

"I know. It's just that…sometimes I just want to…ugh!" With a burst of frustration, his right hand produced a bright yellow glow which instantly morphed into a sword. Genkai didn't budge, as if she predicted his response all along. "But I can't do that because someone might see me. And I used to be able to fight on the streets to burn off some of that, but now I'd end up accidentally killing somebody in one blow! I used to be able to take it out on Urameshi…" At the mention of his friend's name, his energy disappeared, and he stared at the floor.

"Yes, and I'm sure it worked both ways," she nodded.

"I know he had to figure things out, and that he couldn't do it by staying here, but now that he's gone, I'm starting to wonder if maybe things aren't as figured out for me as I thought. I study all day because they tell me that's the best thing for me. I know they are right, but why is it so hard? Why doesn't it feel right? It's not that I want trouble like stupid Urameshi, but…I miss it, somehow."

"What do you miss?"

"Just…I don't know, saving the world is a bit addicting. Feeling like a hero. Pushing yourself until you find out that you are stronger than you thought. Knowing that you made a difference, saved people. The team." He smiled at the memory of some long-distant escapade. "Heck, I really miss swinging around my spirit sword! I worked so hard to master that, and now I have to hide it away." He summoned back his spirit sword and looked at it longingly. "It's like…part of me. I mean, obviously, it's my energy and all, but, like part of who I am. Am I just...a human like everybody else?" He put it away. "I guess I just don't know."

"You may find this shocking, Kuwabara, but I agree. You have a great gift, and how can you be expected to pretend it doesn't exist? Don't." She stood up and began to pace. "You will go mad. No warrior can deny that part of themselves for long and remain whole."

"So, how can I…"

"Before you leave, I will give you a bus pass. Come here as often as you like to stretch your spiritual muscles. Swing around that sword where no one can see."

"Woah, thank you Master Genkai!" he bowed gratefully so his forehead pressed against the smooth tile floor.

"It will be good for you. Plus, I think Yukina may enjoy the company." She gave a sly smile.

His face lit up in a grin. Just as quickly, a shadow crossed his face. "One more thing that has been bothering me. All the things that have happened to me these last two years, and all the things I know now…how do you go back to being who you were before any of that stuff?"

"You don't, Kuwabara. Everything you experience has an effect on you, no matter how small, and fighting through the death matches of the Dark Tournament or paying a visit to the demon world is no small thing. Can't you already see it in yourself? You don't act like the same punk you were when we met." She sighed, and turned away. "But there is more to it than that, I know. I sense that even though Yusuke, Kurama, and Hiei have left on their own journeys, you will have a journey to make too, of a different variety. One to find your place in the world. Do you understand?"

"Yeah."

She looked over at him. His head was bowed, and he was uncharacteristically quiet. "Now, enough of that, I think by now Yukina has the tea prepared."

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

After taking tea with Genkai and Yukina in relative silence, he excused himself to go for a stroll. Genkai had nodded knowingly and encouraged Yukina to assist her with something so he could be alone. His walk took him outside the walls of the compound, along the back side. There was a large, empty space where the trees had vacated and allowed thick green grass to grow. It looked like nothing, but it was there that he sat down. It was there that his best friend had stepped from earth to the demon world two weeks before.

The wind calmly blew as he sat in silence. He was transported back in time, to that night. In front of him was a gaping black portal. Special Defense Forces from Spirit World stood at either side, as they had been the ones to open it. They wore scowls of disapproval. Hiei and Kurama stood off to the side, faces blank; they would be going too, but at different times. Koenma, the exiled Lord of the Spirit World, and Botan, his messenger, were there. Koenma wore a poker face that fit his teenager form well, but Botan could hardly contain her tears. She had been working with Yusuke on Spirit Detective missions for two years, and was excitable to begin with. Yukina was there, as was Shizuru. Genkai, obviously, rounded out the bunch. Kuwabara didn't see himself, because he was there in the moment. He was watching Yusuke Urameshi salute them all with his typical smart-aleck airs. Then, he turned his back and took a running leap into the portal. He disappeared from sight. The odd part was that Kuwabara hadn't been looking at the time; his back had been turned to hide his face. He simply knew Yusuke well enough to know how it would have been.

He went back even further, before Yusuke had stepped up to the portal. Yusuke had an arm around his shoulder, and they faced away from the group. "Don't become a nerd or anything, but do well in school. Be a doctor or a lawyer or something, make us proud. And when I get back, you had better have passed that test."

He turned and walked away, but stopped short when Kuwabara spoke. "I know we chose different paths, but we will always be…" He never finished the sentence. This time, even he could not imagine how Yusuke's face must have looked then. In fact, he still wondered very much. All he had to remember was the last thing Yusuke had said to him: his name. The tone had been a bit taken aback, but that was all he could figure.

"Damn it!" he shouted, shattering the both silence the ground with a punch so infused with spirit energy and pain that it put a sizeable hole in the ground. Maybe Genkai and Yukina would wonder what caused the tremors, but that didn't register. He just lifted his fist, which was covered with dirt and blood, and began to shake. "What if you don't come back? Did you ever think about that? You make it sound so easy, like it's just a leisurely stroll across worlds. Sensui spent his entire life aiming for one single chance, and that put the world in danger! Not to mention the countless demons that want your head! But you just had to go because you couldn't be satisfied, because nothing is ever good enough for you. Isn't it always about you, you selfish punk!"

It was finally coming, all the things he had tried to block since that night, like a tidal wave. Tears splattered onto his bloody fist. "The worst part is that I think I understand now, that feeling of being lost, and maybe I'm the one who is a selfish punk to keep you here for my sake. So go on, find what you're looking for Urameshi. And I'll try to find mine by myself."


End file.
